My hormones are certainly raging and sitting here in this short skirt and high heels, I can only laugh. I can feel both my ovaries throbbing in pain ready to drop these eggs, but that doesn't stop me from walking thru the NY city streets, up and down flights of stairs, doing my sexy walk HAHA!! I wear flats or sneakers every single day, but when I'm dropping 2 eggs, biology takes over apparently!

And it certainly did last night, I was in attack mode in every way. Damn DC and his sexiness!!! First of all, I was so irritated from the busy day I'd had and skipping lunch that by the time I caught up with DC to go over his creative planning, I was a straight up biatch.

So, he says, did you just come here to kill the mood or what? You're right, I say...I need a drink. Can we get out of here, I ask... So of course he cracks open a bottle and I am drinking, almost guzzling (NOT sipping) and he just laughs at me. You must like this wine, he laughs since he's been complaining about it the whole time. Either way, it still gets you drunk, was my reply. He laughs some more. But I'm in such a bad mood that I'm not so cute. Or nice. Or sweet, just salty and crunchy and a little bit stale.

This time, we are standing together, my arms around his neck, raining butterfly kisses across the bridge of his nose, behind his ear, the back of his neck when he bends down to smell my mine, back to his stubbled chin... Him rubbing the softest lips across my neck, exquisite torture, pulling me closer, never kissing my lips but feeling his breathe against my face... Why does this always happen when we're together, I say softly. I do enjoy the time with you, I say smiling and pressing up against him.

I tried my hardest to seduce him, but he resisted me - he had somewhere to go...huh? I can't get it, really I can't. A beautiful woman is intent upon you and you do nothing??

Damn him, what is it?? Am I too easy, always available? Then again, does it even matter?? I want him and he wants me, its obvious. Every time we get together the little touches start, he gets me started...

As he was walking me to the train, I remarked "well we always want what we can't have..." And he was like, Yeah, well.... That's his game, he wants to be wanted, desired, chased so that he is the one holding all of the cards. I am certainly chasing him and while the jealously and sheer confusion nearly overtakes me, he is calm and ultimately in control. What else could he be when I offer over my body and soul to him willingly, and he rejects me - for whatever reason. What guy turns down a beautiful woman and sex

Either he wants to keep me at arms length bc he doesn't want me being too attached, or what we are doing doesn't feel like cheating to him. And at this point, do I even care anymore? Not so much. I'm about to move to party central, chock full of every type of man imaginable. The pickings will be plentiful, without a doubt. But I want him, now.

I'm tired of being so dutiful, so worried about my own reputation - WHY!?!?! Who cares!! I wish the guilt would go away and I could just enjoy myself without thinking a bout the consequences (or lack of results). Just enjoy myself and live my life happy.

So I saw DC the other night. When I get there I am a little surprised to see a girl there. I introduce myself, apparently she walked over to flirt and throw herself all over him. She must be in her early 20s, long weave, generally pretty except for her gummy, gap toothed smile. My mouth smiles and hints pointedly hints at our meeting, should I come back? My tone says, Get this heifer out of here.

We talk business (we did!), liberally sprinkled with hard core flirting and little excuses to touch one another. The attraction is obvious between us and damn him, my power to resist him is not so strong as I would like it to be.

He keeps reaching for me, touching me in little ways that drive me mad and make me forget whatever I was saying at the time. I move my legs out of the way, Stop It, I say, I'm putting the kebosh on you. He replies, I like the way that sounds, ke-bosh, does it hurt?

I laugh, You wouldn't like it if you knew what it means - I draw my finger across my neck and make a slicing sound, No more for you and No More red wine! We both laugh and he says, Speaking of... And he runs to his new bar to get a bottle and some glasses. I protest but its weak and half hearted. We both know I don't mean it.

We toast to his success and I begin my presentation again. With each sip my giggles get a little more giddy and we move a little closer, closer, closer... I excuse myself to the restroom, more to collect myself and scream silently than anything else.

When I step out, there he is, settled in the big comfy "make out" chair. I am tipsy by now and say, Can I sit Santa? We chit chat and I ask sweetly if he liked my presentation. He does and talks about his own past ventures, he has a track record of success and is just so sure of himself. We talk about how the times when women wore dresses and men wore suits, how we both feel like we belonged there. I tease him about all the girls calling, peeking over his shoulder and reading the names on his phone. He actually gets angry, feeling like I'm prying. I'm teasing you, I say. He says, There are lots of girls and we are friends, nothing happens, beautiful drop dead gorgeous girls and nothing has happened. He says I'm all in his business, You can't be all in my business like that. I laugh and grab his face, I'm teasing you, really. Relax. Re-lax, I say. He's still mumbling under his breath, so I consider the consequences for a single second before I kiss him to shut him up.

What follows is a little too racy to mention and all I can say is that neither of us was left without a VERY clear idea of how good it could be between us sexually. Amazing really, just fantastic! The exchanged "Freebies" aside, I want more than the physical.

I was elated at first and then the remorse set in. Am I getting off on the wrong foot? Am I setting things up so I won't be respected and won't be better than a quick fix here and there?

I don't want to be part of a stable, I want to be the ONLY one. I deserve to be first, the one and only. I deserve respect and consideration, I deserve to be able to give my body and heart freely without worrying about what will happen tomorrow. Or WON'T happen tomorrow, like a phone call or a date. I deserve more, I deserve the best.

I've never had the conviction before my now-ex, that I was worthy of respect. If anything it was the opposite - I was used and never considered as more than a sex object or a play thing. I was good enough for sex but not a deep loving relationship. I know that I am now. Conducting myself differently is the first and hardest step in guaranteeing I get the treatment I deserve..

I did speak to him and let him know that I feel like we went too far, and should just cool it. He was a little puzzled, but I just said, I've been such a Good Girl for such a long time, I don't want to go back and mess it up. If you want to hang out and go for a martini sometime, I know a great place.

But Oh, Oh, Oooooh - letting go and enjoying the moment - living in that delicious desire induced haze- just feeels so good!! Oh, did it!! I'll be nibbling on those memories for weeks, hmmm...

The Science of Sex

So, I'm watching Oprah and she has a show on Sex... What else is new, right? But this is about a program I've seen before which charts male and female behavior.

Around ovulation, a woman gives off a scent that generally increases the testosterone in the males around her. Men seem more attractive and in the presence of "copulins" or female vaginal secretions, men LOSE the ability to differentiate between attractive and not so attractive women. WOW! Aint that something?

So I guess men really DO think with their johnsons, hahaha. And being the single girl that I am, I will be planning my next meeting with DC the day I ovulate, haha... Just kidding... Sort of

It happened one night...

Last night DC and me finally connected again. I left him what I said would be my final message (for the 5th time) a week ago and left a message. I spent a (on the surface)fun weekend with the crew while sneaking longing looks at happy couples, feeling nostalgic and sentimental.

So, he finally calls me on Wed, days later and of course I'm my breezy, carefree self. How you been, I ask cheerily - tho I waver between emotions so fleeting and variable that even now I can't name them. Thought you got buried under some rubble or something, we laugh. We chat and small talk, he finally wants my marketing help. About time, I think and we agree to meet the next night.

I walk into his shop in my Banana casuals and the tough leather jacket I bargained off Sandy. He gives me one of those warm, long hugs that I like so much while I finger his suit and check him out (grrrr). I take a few photos as I wait for him to finish up and then we talk shop for about an hour.

He mentions he has somewhere to go and the cold pricks of jealousy take over, I've been looking around for a woman's touch. Trying to get a glimpse inside, what might be at work and looking for all the signs (any sign!) I may be missing. I play it cool but he notices that my mood shifts a little. And then he breaks out that damned red wine!

He pours like a pro, gently tipping the bottle and rolling it to the right to come to an easy stop. We talk about our lives and how we both used to ride horses, and reminisced about the day we met. He remembered the location exactly and I described the suit, and my impression that he was so much bull shit. There really was a Jersey, she was a nice girl, he says, it just didn't happen.

So what makes it happen, I ask. The flirt in me kicks in and I say, I've deleted your number so many times but you just got re saved. Oh really, he asks. Yes, I reply, when you're ready to stop dealing with the chicken-heads, you let me know. I've been waiting but I can't do it forever.

He gives me that same BS line about being busy but I reply that we make time for what's important to us. He's like, I'm ready now. Puleeze, I reply. I've been waiting on you since the day we met.

He leans in closer, by this time the lights are dim and the wine is almost gone. I turn towards him and look into his face and he sits back, a little thrown off balance I think. You're the real deal, he says, I can tell. I am, was my reply. My boldness is my saving grace and the lifeline I cling to because my insides are tied in knots. He leans in closer and finally the moment that I've been waiting for...six months of wishing and hoping...he kisses me... And.. Its.....amazing!!!!


Now I AM romanticising, but his lips were soft and firm, sure but so tentative, gently searching my mouth for willingness and finding acceptance. I did have to give him a little taste, not x rated, maybe PG-13. I pushed him back into the armchair and straddled, raining butterfly kisses across the bridge of his nose, his neck, and face, between passionate, playful kisses and some sexy hip action and rubbing on his... Rather sizeable companion :)))

What followed was a make out session for rainy days, lazy, leisurely, languid... He wanted to have sex, of course. I know my limits, I say when he hints, and so do you. He nodds and kisses me again. I am going to make this man respect me by being the Good Girl I know I can be. Its amazing but I'm not shy about making out with boys or even taking it further. I'm a grown woman, I have needs. But with him, I want more. How much more or what that means exactly, I don't know. (Ok, I DO know...) But at least there is the possibility of long term if I don't screw it up by sleeping with him right away :))

I may be fooling myself again or wishing for something that won't ever be... But I feel so different about him.

Am I oblivious?

Ok, so went out this weekend to our favorite hot spot in the Meat Packing district, Club One. I'm convinced its called that because its a modern day "meat market" with the many guys and gals hawking their wares. Looking smoking hot in an outfit I stole from my (20 year old) sister's closet, I was having an awesome time. Until my cousin pointed out that I was ignoring all the guys that were trying to dance with me... Really? Are you kidding? Reallllly?!?!

I don't think I ever noticed them looking before- but despite being generally attractive, I'm not the girl that the guys flock to on the dance floor. I dance to my own beat and change it up, I can't stand a bad dancer. Really, I can't. I can appreciate an enthusiastic one but not a BAD one.

So I looked around at the pickings, slim to none - I assure you. One guy was licking his lips and winking at me like he had a nervous tic... Another wanted to toss me into a sandwich with his hygiene deficient friend. Yuck!

So, I decide to dance with this one guy (who after the steely comment of 'you're single, you better open your eyes' from the happily coupled Cousin Sandy) just wanted to hump me like Aunt Mitzy's dog. Her German sheppard Great Dane mix- dog. And with all the drunk yelling in my ear and showering me with his liquor breath...! But what set him in the absolute HELL NO column was his idiot comment of..." You're done with school, you live alone and work in the city... And you're not married? What's wrong with you? I gotta ask up front."

I'm sure he thought he was being witty. I, however, wanted to pimp-slap and then BITCH-slap him and say - Are you F-ing KIDDING Meeeee!!! Bastardo, get outta my face!

To say the pickings are slim out here is not an understatement. After I turned away in disgust, I thought is this all there is out here?? This is NY!! Where does a nice girl meet a nice man these days... on street corners crossing old ladies, at church bake sales, darning socks for the homeless?

I'm taking referrals...

Vidi, veni, voice?

What is it about a man's voice that gives us the green light or says noooooway! For me its the timbre in his voice - is it deep enough? does he speak with smoothness and confidence? Is his laugh easy or nervous?

I met this nice guy/kid months ago online and while we texted or emailed, I never picked up the phone. I'm not above internet dating, far from it, but I noticed he went to my Alma Mater and just moved here. I felt bad for him, remembered how lonely it was not to have anyone who understood about all the things you missed in your life - the sand, the surf, cuban sandwiches on fresh crusty bread...

So anyway, last night he calls me (again) and despite months of texting - yes months- this is the first time we spoke bc I liked the sound of his voice. I've ditched guys wit a higher pitched voice no matter how many they looked.

Apparently the depth of a man's voice is indicative of the level of his hormone surge at puberty, often an indication of height, muscle mass and "manly" features like a square jaw. For a woman, a higher pitched voice indicated the your level of fertility and attractiveness. The pitch of a womans voice actually fluctuates during the month, peaking when she is most likely to conceive.

Now if that don't beat all... So nature is working on me for sure. Now if I can only get my mother's "nurture" voice out of my head...

New Job, same me :))

So, I started a new job this week after 6 months of being laid off... What does one do with oneself without the companion ship of others? Eat, sleep and drink too much beer! I've put on a few...

So now I working in the N-Y-C, there is an endless supply of (possibly) eligible men at my fingertips. In my building complex alone, there are several big companies with guys dressed in actual business casual - and NICE business casual - not the usual work boots or sneakers types I come across. But in this corporate environment, how does this silly bird show my pretty feathers? Everyone is so SUBDUED...

Sexy never felt so good as when its natural and fun, sun kissed and splendid - I'm anxiously awaiting spring! In the meantime, I'll be burning off these pounds and working on my conversation skills hahaha

The possibilities are endless!